musings

My Drunk Friend

We all have one. I have two stories to share about my drunk friend.

We’re on a boy’s night out, crashing at one of the group’s house, not my drunk friend’s house. After what is euphemistically called a “session”, we’re back at the house after a Ruby Murray (rhyming slang for Curry). We’re all crashed out on the floor, when my drunk friend sits bolt upright, turns away from me and promptly throws up over Dave who’s passed out next to him. He then wakes Dave up, tells him he just threw up over himself and he should go and clean himself up. Dave happily obliges none the wiser, its not the first time.

That’s my drunk friend, largely because he didn’t throw up on me.

The second story occurs on a Sunday morning after a heavy Saturday night’s drinking. Five of us are crammed in a small car on our way home, driving through a neighbourhood. My drunk friend suddenly announces that he’s feeling car sick and is on the verge of throwing up. What he actually said was, “I’m going to be violently and copiously ill”. A screech of tires, he exits the car at speed, runs over to a garden wall, bends over and, true to his word, is violently and copiously ill into the garden. As he turns around to walk back to the car wiping his mouth, the house-owner, who had been on his knees weeding his rose bed, stands up, dripping in… well, you get the picture.

You should know that these events occurred on the same weekend. That’s my drunk friend.

Google Glass is my new drunk friend (stay with me on this one).

You know how your drunk friend requires that you constantly repeat any question you ask him? That’s Glass (admittedly, partly due to my “foreign” accent).

You know how your drunk friend always mangles what you say, often hilariously? That’s Glass (again, I’ll accept I’m partly to blame here).

You know how your drunk friend, annoyingly, has an answer to everything? That’s Glass.

You know how your drunk friend is constantly badgering you with often totally irrelevant information? That’s Glass running FieldTrip.

You know how your drunk friend can only drink for about 2 hours before passing out? That’s about Glass’ battery life.

You know how your drunk friend takes pictures that cut the top off everyone’s head? That’s Glass.

You know how your drunk friend wakes up not knowing where they are? That’s my Glass waking up always thinking its in Anchorage.

You know how your drunk friend got you to commit an act of gross public indecency? Wait… that’s not Glass, that’s your drunk friend.

I love my new drunk friend.

Post inspired by Pete Holmes’ Google (Not Knowing):

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